Dear Trashique:
In my never ending quest for drag perfection, I feel the time has come for me to acquire a faux-gina... Do you have any suggestions as to where one might procure such a thing? And how to (ahem) get it to work?
I simply must know: What would Trashique do?
Thanks and kisses,
Crotchless in Biloxi
Dearest CiB:
You have no idea how many times I have been asked this question! Not to mention "How will it stay on?" And "Just how many diamonds will it hold?" These are all excellent questions, and ones that I will attempt to address now that you have asked.
Your absolute best bet for finding a faux-gina is at Good Vibrations. This San Francisco Bay Area institution is a one stop shop for sex-positive education and sex advice, sex toys and novelties including vibrators, erotic books and sex videos! (Did I mention sex??? :)
On my last trip to that jewel of a city San Francisco (as opposed to Oakland), I took the opportunity to head down to their Valencia St. store just for this very purpose. I was looking around on my own at first, but soon a very nice little Latina lesbian with a buzz cut came over and asked if she could help.
I asked her if they had any strap-on artificial vaginas. She was initially caught off-guard, but composed herself and explained to me that by their nature, vaginas don't "strap on" well, as the main focus for business purposes is the space behind the vagina (at least as far an sex involving any penetration goes, which makes sense).
She did inform me that Good Vibrations does have a collection of artificial vaginas, and perhaps one could fit the bill.
She then took me to a display of several items that looked like some of the young monsters in "Aliens." Think of a large, latex stalk of brocoli with a slit on the end. To make matters worse, they came in green and purple only. (I am not making this up). She explained that the "stalk" was the channel for one's love rocket.
At that point, I felt compelled to explain why I was seeking a fake vagina. She actually seemed a little relieved when I told her my true purposes (i.e., appearance, not necessarily "performance"). I also told her that both green and purple would not really go well with my usual couture.
She suggested I could fashion a vagina out of panty hose (which is what some drag queens do), but I told her I needed "space inside" to store things (keys, ID, etc.). She then asked if this would be worn to visit someone in jail, and she seemed relieved yet again when I told her it was not.
I asked what is the most "realistic looking" artificial vagina she had available, since I had not seen a real one for many years (OK, ever). She then took me to a display with a white machine that looked like either a coffee grinder or a smaller version of a hot air popcorn popper. On top was a fleshy pink fake vagina. I asked what it was.
With the pride of a true owner/cooperative worker, she informed me this was the top of the line artificial vagina!
I had to ask who would use such an instrument. She told me this model was particularly popular with married couples where the wife was in the latter stages of pregnancy, or couples who could not practice birth control for some reason and needed an "outlet" during the women's firtile cycle. I could understand this use for birth control, as even the most horned-up straight guy would not be able to maintain a woodie due to uncontrollable laughter when told to stick his member in this contraption.
Anyway, the good news is the vagina portion removes ("for easy cleaning") and this I think it your best bet for fake coochie (...or as we called them in the South, a "growler"). The young Good Vibrations worker also offered a discount for the floor model, which I thought was quite nice.
So check out Good Vibrations! They'll put the hoochie in your coochie and a smile on your face. :)
Saving the world, one drag queen at a time...
